Research Suggests That Getting Expelled is the First Step to Becoming a Millionaire

Research Suggests That Getting Expelled is the First Step to Becoming a Millionaire

Dropping out of school appears to be the single best way to become a millionaire, as exhibited by Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, and Bill Gates. With 18.6 million millionaires residing within the US and 20 million students attending college each year, the statistics are striking; the ratio of graduates to millionaires is simply pathetic. Principles and headmasters across the globe have long strived to repress the general public, being undoubtedly responsible for worldwide poverty.

Thus, raises the question: ‘How can I become a school dropout as soon as possible?’ While some may claim that education “lays the groundwork for the future” or that the school setting is “crucial for collaborative job opportunities”, these delusions likely source from mere jealousy and the realization that your wealth will surpass their own. If someone tries to convince you to value school, simply ask them, “What would Mark Zuckerberg think about that?”, laughing smugly as they struggle for an answer.

By now, I’m sure you are wondering which expulsion path is best for you. Fortunately, I have outlined and analyzed several methods from which to choose.

1) Fail all of your classes remorselessly.

Tips: For best results, avoid turning in assignments; when given a test, simply say “no”.
Pros: This is arguably the safest and most straightforward path, requiring little to no effort.
Cons: This method may take some time to carry out depending on your current grades. It would require repetitive and consistent laziness, which some people just aren’t cut out for.

2) Break mitigation guidelines remorselessly.

Tips: Refrain from wearing a mask and move all of the walkway signs to be different directions. Hack into the intercom and dismiss everyone at once, causing mass chaos and confusion.
Pros: You will be able to leave school at 3:15 instead of 3:20.
Cons: This method might spread COVID, which could permanently damage your own, your classmates’, and your teachers’ health.

3) Put a wild animal in every locker.

Tips: Make sure that each animal is loud and vicious. For the greatest effect, try scouting for nocturnal creatures in forests or woods. The harder the animal is to identify, the better.
Pros: This will give the lockers that chic grunge, worn-in aesthetic.
Cons: Some animals may have rabies. “Animal cruelty”.

4) Submit The Life of Pi as your biblical studies creative writing assignment.

Tips: Remember to not reword anything aside from the author’s name and to attach all 336 pages.
Pros: Your religion teacher will be wildly impressed by your complex writing and storytelling abilities.
Cons: This could cause a potential copyright infringement, but what does a little lawsuit matter when you become a millionaire dropout?

5) Infest the library with crickets.
Actually, this one doesn’t work.

6) Crawl into the air vents and coat them with maple syrup; turn the fans on full blast and wait smugly in your first period with a beckoning stack of waffles.

Tips: Remember to use butter as well, both as an addition to your breakfast and as a way to reduce the sound as you slither through the vents.
Pros: You will have a delicious breakfast and will smell like butter for weeks.
Cons: This may turn into an Among Us meme.

7) Gather as many snakes as possible, hiding one in each classroom.

Tips: Make sure not to buy poisonous snakes.
Pros: This will strike fear and respect into your classmates’ hearts. You will be at one with the reptiles.
Cons: ???

With such an array of methods varying in intricacy and effort, I am certain that every student can quickly become a millionaire. All the energy you pour into being removed from school grounds now will be worth it when you become the CEO of Apple in the near future and will likely be a valuable asset to your resume.

I would recommend seeking expulsion promptly before the dropout market becomes too popular. If you need any further guidance on why leaving school is right for you, there are plenty of resources available for your advantage in the library or through the school Discus account about successful quitters to inspire you.

This article originally appeared in The Cavalier